I've been reading again. This time it's "American History- a very short introduction", same series as the WWI book. I guess it's an appropriate read since we'll celebrate our nation's formation later this week. It really give you some perspective on things when they condense American history, from pre-Colombian Native Americans to the current decade, into 130 pages of a book about the size of my hand. The actual fighting portion of the Civil War was recounted in about 2 pages. And this is a mini history of a country that's only less than 250 years old. Imagine the slightness of events viewed in the context of all of history. It's pretty impressive to consider how young our country still is in the history of the world.
However, the thought that got me up and writing wasn't a patriotic one. As I read a few lines on women abolitionists, who also took up the women's rights movement, and experience from yesterday came back to me. Story:
I was asked a few weeks ago to speak in sacrament meeting yesterday. I enjoy speaking in church and accepted the invite. I prepared in my usual manner of studying as much about the subject in as many different directions as I can then after letting it all sit for a couple days I'll come back and compose some sort of general outline with what the goal of the talk is. This allows me to be able to adjust easily to the actual amount of time I have to speak- because it's never the 12 minutes they ask you to prepare for. Well, as it turns out there were to be 3 speakers yesterday, myself and another girl and a guy. After talking to the guy before Sunday school Brother Strong, who would be conducting the meeting, came over and asked me if I'd be ok as the last speaker. Sure, no prob. Then he continued "Yeah, I just spoke to [whatever his name was] and he said his talk is about 8 minutes. I usually have the guy go last so he can accordion his talk to fit the remaining time, but it doesn't look like that would work in this case." I said I would be glad to be last and accordion my talk as needed. What went through my head was a sarcastic "Yeah, cuz a guy is better at speaking/adjusting length so he goes last..." not that I was terribly offended by this perceived slightly sexist comment- the thought just rolled through my head and gave me a good laugh at poor Bro. Strong's subconscious "blunder". The reason I think it caught my ire is because I consider speaking and teaching to be one of my better natural abilities. So while he didn't mean it as such I initially reacted to it as a jab at my abilities as a orator. I spoke last, for about 25 minutes. (The other two talks probably averaged a length of 7 minutes.) But that's another story.
Later I was telling this story to my oldest sister (who interestingly enough is probably one of the only people who will actually read this. Hi Slick!) to which she countered by pointing out that the guy would go last traditionally as a sign of respect for the women. The women could deliver their discourse as planned without concern of time and then the poor guy at the end would have to find more to say or cut out everything he wanted to say to accommodate the time left in the meeting. By George- this makes perfect sense. I was caught. I had no response. I can't remember actually saying anything- and it was probably pretty weak if I did- for the rest of that part of the conversation. She continued to point out that many things that used to be a sign of respect are now perceived as slights against women because that's not how they want to be respected anymore- they wanted to be treated as equals.
So, as I was reading about abolitionists who picked up the cause of women's rights because their marginalization by the men at the time I thought back to this event yesterday. You know what I realize? I'd been sucked in by the modern feminist movement. gack! If someone were to ask me if I consider myself a feminist I would say that I am, but not a modern feminist. I believe in the power of women, and that they should be respected and have equal rights with men- but that doesn't mean we have to be the same as men or become like men. I just think we should be able to do whatever work call to us and be fairly treated in it. I also think that includes the choice to stay at home as a mother, and that we should not be derided for that choice by those who choose another path. Sometime I sit and shake my head at the "crazy feminist ladies" in the news and the media. I think though my sister was probably internally shaking her head at her poor little sister who had gone astray down the path of crazy feminist lady. (I could be wrong, but it makes the point, so just run with it.) I had automatically assumed the worst about the comment made by a man who I know is very respectful to women and who's wife is a wonderful, capable, strong lady. I'd stepped onto the dark side.
I think my sister's comment is an interesting point though. She said that women don't want to be respected by being treated special, but want to be treated equally. I think it's just that the idea of respect has changed. We want to be respected, not babied. We want to be recognized as people with brains and stuff. I know I don't mind letting a kind gentleman carry my groceries for me if 1. I actually do need help, or 2. I know that he respects me as a capable person and not as useless girl. (Tip to boys: Instead of saying "You got that ok?", "Need help?" or other things that imply that she doesn't have it ok, try "I'd like to help you with that if I may." It's way easier to say yes to.) I think that's the reason a lot of women shy away from conventional forms of men showing respect to women is because we are talented, capable, independent people- and we don't like feeling like someone thinks we're not. Call it pride if you will, but I think sometimes it's ok to have some pride in who you are. So my reception to a gesture of respect will largely depend on my confidence in my nature as a strong woman. I am a strong woman, therefore I can let a guy lug my luggage up the stairs for me, even though I could do it myself, because I know he's just trying to be kind and respectful. I can let him open a door, walk me to the car, or even speak last in church because I know that it doesn't change who I am.
So basically for your average daily interactions:
Dear Guys: Be respectful, not patronizing. We can tell the difference.
Dear Women: It's ok. You are a capable person. You know you are- now, let the guys be nice.
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